Jesus says Pat got it right

In a rare and exclusive interview with Under The Radar today, Jesus said that Pat Robertson was right to call for the assassination of Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez.

"In fact, I told him to say it," said the Prince of Peace, smiling, "Pat would never tell anybody that. He likes to keep it a secret about how close we are."

But Jesus is speaking out about the relationship, even if Robertson never would. The Lord explained that in their daily conversations, he has been able talk with Robertson in a way he has been unable to with any other person in the last 2,000 years. "He really understands me. He does have ears to hear," Jesus said.

"We'll walk through the garden on Pat's mansion and just talk about all kinds of things. Some days I'll tell him the latest scheduled date of my return. Lately we've been talking a lot about the appointment of justices to your so-called Supreme Court. Then like the other day, we'll discuss who I want assassinated."

"There's a lot of give and take," Jesus said. "I'll suggest a despicable dictator, for example, but then Pat will remind me he has millions invested in the guy's government controlled business. So Pat will suggest somebody, and then we'll talk it over and make a decision together. I really value his opinion, but again, Pat's too humble to let anyone know that."

"Pat's able to understand and even trust me like few others. I've been able to teach my good friend that what so many people believe are my words in the Bible aren't really mine at all," Jesus said. "He knows what I truly truly said."

"People don't realize that your Scriptures went through so many editors," Jesus said. He leaned forward in his seat and added with obvious irritation, "The whole process became like a bad game of post office. I said one thing, and by the time those folks were done, I had been seriously misquoted."

"Take my Sermon on the Mount for example," Jesus said. "Matthew supposedly quoted me as saying, 'love your enemies.' Who in God's name would think I'd ever say something like that!"

"What I preached to the guys - and I mean I was preaching - 'You have heard it said, love your neighbor and hate your enemy, but I say, don't just hate them. Get a group of your beer buddies together, kidnap your enemy under the cover of darkness and then crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify him!'"

"But somehow that all got twisted."

Innocent translation errors have not been the only problem in getting Jesus' real message across, he said. "There were other times when people just didn't like what I had to say and thought they knew so much better than me. You remember Peter and what a pain in the -- well I can't say it because I am Jesus after all - but you remember how he was one. Anyway, they deliberately misquoted me."

Jesus stated Mark changed his words when the Gospel writer set pen to papyrus. "That part about loving your neighbors as yourself - well, he didn't include the whole quote."

The Lord went on to explain, "What I said was 'Love your neighbor as yourself - except when your neighbor lives in a way that irritates you or says bad things about you. When that happens, get some of your beer-drinking buddies together, kidnap your neighbor under the cover of darkness and then crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify him!'"

"But Peter told Mark to change that part because it seemed so un-Messiah like," Jesus added. "Then when Matthew and Luke got lazy and copied off Mark, people took it for the Gospel truth, like it was even my personal creed or something."

"When I pointed this out to Pat, he was able to understand why I wanted Chavez assassinated," Jesus said. "I love your country far more than any other on the earth. When I saw you letting that little Venezuelan dog sneer at you like that and jacking up his oil prices, I knew I couldn't let him mock my beloved like that. He had to die."

The Son of God went on to say how frustrated he was at the attacks by the liberal media on Robertson, a one-time presidential candidate for what Jesus referred to as "God's Own Party." He added, "I mean I picked him myself, but like always, the press refused to believe and just laughed at him."

Jesus also expressed his anger that "The media really fried Pat over his comments about 9-11. Remember how he said the terrorists were instruments of my dad's judgment because of all the feminists and homosexuals running freely through your country? Well who do you think told him to say that?"

"Don't they know that when they persecute one of my followers they persecute me?"

Jesus revealed for the first time that it was the media's treatment of Robertson that led to the creation of the FOX network news channel. "Dad said he was mad as hell, and he wasn't going to take it anymore," Jesus explained. "So he told the Holy Spirit to create a fair and balanced news station. With a breath of hot air there was FOX, and dad saw that it was good."

Jesus quickly ended the interview saying he didn't want to be late for his walk with Robertson because it frustrated the televangelist. "He has such a hold over me," Jesus said.

As he left, Jesus stopped at the door, turned and faced this reporter and said with a mischievous grin, "Wait until you hear what I tell him to say today."